Disappointment!

Last night I was informed by Erik that according to the budget I wasn't going to be able to buy any clothes or anything at this time. The deal was that when we got paid, we were going to have additional $1,500 but when it's all said and done, I would be able to go get $150.00 in clothes and $75 was my birthday money. It was bought to my attention we need every last penny for expenses, and there no room to buy anything luxury related. However, I came to that conclusion with Erik advising me of it but, I'm tired of him finding a way to buy what he wants. When it comes down to it, I'm suppose to accept when I want something, it's just not in the budget.
Erik was discussing with me how it was going to be a hard summer and very tight and how Hayden is costing a lot and there's no way to afford everything. Well my frustrastion sets in because he not only doesn't budget well, but he insisted that he needs to continue to work the budget. The bankruptcy screwed us over big time. WE received a good chunk of money from Federal but we won't see it, We have to pay them over 1/2 of the amount. Not to mention we have so many medical bills. Erik and I have given up on how we can figure out to pay them. We just don't have any money to pay for even $10 a month. And, the letters are getting nastier and nastier.
So, all of these thoughts are going through my head, then we really need to be looking at what were spending, and since Erik chooses not to see what obviously right infront of us. That we need reconsider on some purchases and such. Such as, next month is the camping trip with Erik's Dad, we both were going to take an occurence for it, and had it planned my parents would watch him on the weekend. But, that the expense was a little high and maybe it would be more cost effective if Erik just goes. He said that we made a promise and we will just borrow the money from his Dad, I really don't want to that considering we won't be able to pay him for a while. Then later on I tell him that as hard as it is to face it. Hawaii will be very expensive, and that we may want to rethink going. Especially since he saids we will have a house next year. You know how long I've heard that. What makes him think are situation will be all better by next year? I don't see how it can. Were digging ourselves deeper and deeper by going on a grand vacation. He then said well" No, we made a commintment to my Mom" here's the thing the day isn't final. She is the one paying for her room, and Beth, Damion and Greg ( sister in law, nephew and her BF are going) so there's no investment that will be lost just because were not going. And you would think that he would be relieved that I'm not very upset that were not going. Because, I 've never been there, But, Erik has been there 3 times. (he likes to claify that he hasn't been there as an adult) I don't why excepted a postive reaction. No, he acts just the opposite. He starts saying" No, were going and you wanted a baby" Ok, what the hell does that have to do with our budget. Seriously, he brought that up several times. Like, we shouldn't of had a baby, or you wanted it. I'm so tired of it, it's making me resentful of him and then I try to handle it by talking to him and he starts saying: I don't want to talk about it right now, My question is why does it matter when we talk about something, I shouldn't have to tip toe around a subject just because he doesn't want to face it.
I end up going to bed last night before 11 because he was in one of his moods and I wasn't willing to argue about something that I knew we wouldn't see eye to eye on.
I woke up this morning, he just wanted to hug me. And we did say I love you. He tells me maybe we should go to cousnselor again, or maybe he should.
Then I get into work and he said that he knows he not a perfect man and he's trying to be. And he's really sorry he's been hard to deal with. All I could say is you're welcome. But, what I have thinking about at work is not only to have serious concerns about Erik but, I have serious concerns for our future.
He needs to grow up and realize that his needs aren't in front of everything else just because he wants them to be.
There's so many things that our forming under the surface, that he needs to face and we need to pick up the pieces and move on. I'm also tired of seeing him get the things he wants and I'm actually having a need and I'm being turned down, and his attitude, his disregard for my feelings is enough for me to explode. I really feel sometimes my depression starts because of his actions. I am not having a good day at all. I am trying to forget about things, but I go back to this is something I can control. The thing is that a divorce would not solve it infact it would bring into such a deep depression that I'm not sure what I would do. I love Erik so much, and I pray to god that he realizes were I'm coming from. I'm trying to be patient. I just don't know how much more I can take.

****UPDATE*** Erik and I talked last night, He's alarmed by the way he speaks to me and realizes that he needs to see someone and talk it over. I'm really hoping his attitude will start to improve. We still agree to disagree on a couple of the issues. But atleast were making progress. I still don't think we should go to Hawaii. But, I'm hoping he sees it as well. As far as camping that looks like that's still a go. And, i'm getting a couple of things to tie me over for clothes, however I have an IOU coming to me in August-September. I can't wait I'm doing some major shopping at that point. And Hayden included!!**********