Hard Times Ahead!

I know that this may not seem like a big deal but, our cable is going away. Erik thinks maybe in a year we can get back but right now we have to save all the money we can. Hayden's diapers, formula and daycare is really adding up. Plus, with our bankruptcy we have no way out. We make a pretty good salary combined and we can't afford anything. It's depressing, oh and Erik was doing research because he remember after making payments for almost 2.5 years our payment would go up automatically it will be nearly 1,000 a month!!! This payment goes up in January. Because, why you ask my car payments go away, so they will increase the payment. Doesn't mean we get out of it before 5 years, just means were really broke. Also, they don't care about us furthering education. As, I feared it comes down to paying them the money. WE were told if we wanted a family we could recaluate our financies. But the resistance we got from them on it now, Is that isn't our problem we decided to have a baby. Which in turn has made me overly upset and frustrated with the situation. I can't even begin to tell you the disappointment and fear I have. Erik and I both need to have priorities straight. I felt I was already doing that but I wasn't putting my foot down with Erik on things. So there for I failed. I let him get whatever new toy. Am I to late to turn it around? Erik and I bought a really nice Blue Ray DVD player with theather system. But, were returning it now. WE need to have that money to survive. And, I just think this is crazy, Erik thinks we can go to Hawaii next year, and he refuses to see what's right in front of us. I'm mad at him for getting us into this situation. It's embarrassing I can't even go grab a bite with my friends. Erik did cancel his stuff for Friday, because the reality is that I can't eat anywhere, and I tried to get together with Rachel. But, that's not going to happen. The thing is not only did I get so stressed and upset last night on the verge of tears that I am officially sick again, it started with a sore throat and has not started crap in my lungs, coughing, runny nose and so congestioned!
All I can do is move forward, I have to be more strict on Erik because he does it to me why am I not saying no to him? Partly because he does the budget/bills I told him that I wanted to see everything going on, I want to do it together every Saturday, and I don't want us spending money that we really don't have. I told him I'm tired of living this way. HE's so irresponsible with money, and I have to put a stop to it.

Father's Day Weekend!

On Friday I went over to my parents house, we had steak, corn, patoto salad and beans. All my favorites. We really chatted alot, I always like chatting with my parents for hours. Hayden was asleep and My parents showed me their new computers and we hung out for a little bit.
Saturday morning was the best, Hayden, my Mom and I went shopping!! The goal was to get me some new clothes. Let me tell you their were deals at Kohls. It was awesome! And my Mom was the sweetest person ever. She said that she wanted me to get some clothes and that I couldn't wait till September. I need stuff for the camping trip but also I needed more clothes in geneal. I got several shirts. And I got 2 capris, one pair of jean shorts and one pair of khackis. I was so happy, then Mom made me even more happy. She took me in to get my wedding ring resized. I was not even a size 4 before I got pregnant. Now, I'm at size 6. I can't wait to have it back and on my finger, it will be in on Saturday. We also went to Bed Bath and Beyond and I got a couple of things there. I was finally able to get my photo wallet sleeve so that I can show off my cute baby boy even more, instead of cell phone.
We got home at 4 and started making homemade Laszanga, and then we were going to play croquet but we ended up playing with Hayden. WhenErik arrived, Mom and I surprised the guys with our pictures of Hayden that were taken last weekend. And the best part is that I'm not only going to have new pictures of him, but I will have a chance to show off my boy some more. WE had a fablous dinner, then later we ended up watching the second Harry Potter it was almost midnight and Erik and I headed out.
On Sunday morning it was time to clean and get caught up on laundry. We had so much laundry to do. While I was in there I found saw water all over the shower and on the floor around the toilet along with water soaked onto the carpet. We have a leak that's gotten worse with our toilet and it's going to need to be fixed! I don't know if I mentioned but Erik and I are renewing another lease with the apartment building so were getting a new fridge and stove. It will be black, new and better. I can't wait!! So, when they do that they'll fix that too.
Later in the afternoon we had lunch and then all took a nap. Erik's Dad was coming over at 4. So, did Fathers Day with Erik, gave him what Hayden made at the daycare and I got Erik a really nice coffee mug. Erik's Dad came over on time, we chatted for a bit and headed out to the pool for Hayden first swim in a pool. WE had the float that was really pink, it was really funny. But, his Dad really enjoyed it and bonding with Hayden. We got him use to the water a bit, and then we got back Erik and him made dinner while I took care Hayden. We then ate and watched a movie: Up in the Air, it was a really good movie!! It was about 11:00 and Erik and I were beat we started watching another movie: IRobot and then headed off to bed! It was a great weekend! It's sad it had to end but I know that I need to enjoy the week.

Disappointment!

Last night I was informed by Erik that according to the budget I wasn't going to be able to buy any clothes or anything at this time. The deal was that when we got paid, we were going to have additional $1,500 but when it's all said and done, I would be able to go get $150.00 in clothes and $75 was my birthday money. It was bought to my attention we need every last penny for expenses, and there no room to buy anything luxury related. However, I came to that conclusion with Erik advising me of it but, I'm tired of him finding a way to buy what he wants. When it comes down to it, I'm suppose to accept when I want something, it's just not in the budget.
Erik was discussing with me how it was going to be a hard summer and very tight and how Hayden is costing a lot and there's no way to afford everything. Well my frustrastion sets in because he not only doesn't budget well, but he insisted that he needs to continue to work the budget. The bankruptcy screwed us over big time. WE received a good chunk of money from Federal but we won't see it, We have to pay them over 1/2 of the amount. Not to mention we have so many medical bills. Erik and I have given up on how we can figure out to pay them. We just don't have any money to pay for even $10 a month. And, the letters are getting nastier and nastier.
So, all of these thoughts are going through my head, then we really need to be looking at what were spending, and since Erik chooses not to see what obviously right infront of us. That we need reconsider on some purchases and such. Such as, next month is the camping trip with Erik's Dad, we both were going to take an occurence for it, and had it planned my parents would watch him on the weekend. But, that the expense was a little high and maybe it would be more cost effective if Erik just goes. He said that we made a promise and we will just borrow the money from his Dad, I really don't want to that considering we won't be able to pay him for a while. Then later on I tell him that as hard as it is to face it. Hawaii will be very expensive, and that we may want to rethink going. Especially since he saids we will have a house next year. You know how long I've heard that. What makes him think are situation will be all better by next year? I don't see how it can. Were digging ourselves deeper and deeper by going on a grand vacation. He then said well" No, we made a commintment to my Mom" here's the thing the day isn't final. She is the one paying for her room, and Beth, Damion and Greg ( sister in law, nephew and her BF are going) so there's no investment that will be lost just because were not going. And you would think that he would be relieved that I'm not very upset that were not going. Because, I 've never been there, But, Erik has been there 3 times. (he likes to claify that he hasn't been there as an adult) I don't why excepted a postive reaction. No, he acts just the opposite. He starts saying" No, were going and you wanted a baby" Ok, what the hell does that have to do with our budget. Seriously, he brought that up several times. Like, we shouldn't of had a baby, or you wanted it. I'm so tired of it, it's making me resentful of him and then I try to handle it by talking to him and he starts saying: I don't want to talk about it right now, My question is why does it matter when we talk about something, I shouldn't have to tip toe around a subject just because he doesn't want to face it.
I end up going to bed last night before 11 because he was in one of his moods and I wasn't willing to argue about something that I knew we wouldn't see eye to eye on.
I woke up this morning, he just wanted to hug me. And we did say I love you. He tells me maybe we should go to cousnselor again, or maybe he should.
Then I get into work and he said that he knows he not a perfect man and he's trying to be. And he's really sorry he's been hard to deal with. All I could say is you're welcome. But, what I have thinking about at work is not only to have serious concerns about Erik but, I have serious concerns for our future.
He needs to grow up and realize that his needs aren't in front of everything else just because he wants them to be.
There's so many things that our forming under the surface, that he needs to face and we need to pick up the pieces and move on. I'm also tired of seeing him get the things he wants and I'm actually having a need and I'm being turned down, and his attitude, his disregard for my feelings is enough for me to explode. I really feel sometimes my depression starts because of his actions. I am not having a good day at all. I am trying to forget about things, but I go back to this is something I can control. The thing is that a divorce would not solve it infact it would bring into such a deep depression that I'm not sure what I would do. I love Erik so much, and I pray to god that he realizes were I'm coming from. I'm trying to be patient. I just don't know how much more I can take.

****UPDATE*** Erik and I talked last night, He's alarmed by the way he speaks to me and realizes that he needs to see someone and talk it over. I'm really hoping his attitude will start to improve. We still agree to disagree on a couple of the issues. But atleast were making progress. I still don't think we should go to Hawaii. But, I'm hoping he sees it as well. As far as camping that looks like that's still a go. And, i'm getting a couple of things to tie me over for clothes, however I have an IOU coming to me in August-September. I can't wait I'm doing some major shopping at that point. And Hayden included!!**********

~Mirena~Frustrastion!

I had my doctors appointment to place my Mirena in, I really felt uneasy about not seeing Dr Cho. I had to see Dr. Song. Which in all of 10 years I still hadn't met her, I had seen everyone else, and felt pretty comfortable. But, before I could even see her I went through a huge hassle. First off, I got there right on time at 3pm, I waited about 10 minutes in the lobby, then they brought me back. I waited some more because there was no rooms available. When I got into the room after waiting another 15 minutes out in the lab area. Then the nurse wanted to ask me questions. She was worried that I might be pregnant, that there was possible small chance that I was. Because my Depo shot was good till the 20th of May. And I had sex on May 31st. So, she had to do a urine test, it did come out negative but it didn't stop the dr. from hesitating to do the procedure that I had already waited a month to do. (that's a whole another story that we don't have time for) So, she finally said will go ahead and do the procedure, after going back and forth for another 10 minutes. She doesn't really tell me how it's going to feel, or what she's doing. All of sudden I feel this major pressure down there, and it felt worse than a pap. She had a clamp and then she said finally oh yes, I'm measuring your cervix. I then felt to extreme pressure, and all of sudden I had cramping. I couldn't breathe. It was awful. She didn't tell me I"m almost done or anything. I felt she was so focused on making sure it was right that she forgot to talk me though the procedure. Oh, and as she sticking the Mirena and I was in pain, not screaming but saying ah, that hurts, She said "oh do you not want to go on with the procedure" I'm like no please just finish. I started to get really hot and light headed. Which to make matters worse she said right after the procedure was done that she didn't feel it was in all the way, and that I should schedule and ultrasound in a couple of days. And if I feel discomfort more than usual that I need to come in right away. The next 10 minutes were awful, as this thing isn't in all the way I lay back cramping and in major pain, She said let me see my other patient that is waiting and I will come back. I have my legs wide open and I'm on the bed or whatever and she doesn't get the door shut all the way. I couldn't believe it. The nurse comes in and really helps me through everything. I was so relived to have her there with me. She gave me a cold pack for my head, some juice and asked me about what part was uncomfortable I said the clamp and her inserting it in. She said that the next one she would make sure was more comfortable. And also did I mention they had to order this for me. And there may not be anymore. Luckily when she came back they found a spare. The nurse suggested that I have a spinal sort of novocaine for me so I don't feel the procedure as much. I did feel a poke and cramping when she was applying the novocaine, but I was squeezing the nurse's hand and this time I didn't feel as much once I was numb. But, she pokes her head ( the doctor) and said" We found another so we won't charge you for 2" I'm thinking to myself yeah you better not charge me, it's not my fault.
I had to work my way up to sitting up because I was feeling dizzy. It was not the best experience. I'm relieved that it can stay in for years. If you had to this procedure all the time, it would be too hard.
Today I'm experiencing some cramping and bleeding. It's going to be painful for the next couple of days. But, I'm proud of myself, I did still go for a walk around the lake even though I was cramping really bad.
Oh to make matters worse Erik was angry with me last night because I wasn't feeling well, and when I was in the office I didn't really talk about pain managment. And why did I get this done, and that I should of stayed on the Depo or went on birth control pills. But, I really think this is the best decision. He was just really crabby in general which has something to do with that he wasn't worked out in days!!

My Birthday/Memorial Day weekend!

On Friday I was alone with Hayden, I did some cleaning but mostly was tired. I bought myself some Arbys and then took Hayden he was teething most of the night. I went to bed after a couple of hours of watching some soaps.

On Saturday morning Erik and I got up to take Hayden to the zoo for the first time, the big debate was to go to the Como Zoo or Minnesota Zoo, we went to the MN Zoo, Holy has the cost gone up in the last couple of years. It was 37.00 with parking. Suddenly going to the zoo isn't such a cheap family outing. Anyways, Hayden mostly slept the only time he was up is looking at people and he could see the big fish tank. He really enjoyed that. And so did I, I had forgotten how peaceful it is to just sit there and watch. We were at the zoo most of the afternoon, we didn't get moving till around 1pm. We were there till almost 5 and then we went to our favorite Mexican restaurant we had El Loro, and while eating our dinner really fast. Hayden was teething once again. Poor little guy. Erik, Hayden and I were so exhausted from the day that we all took a 3 hour nap. Then we got up. Erik and I watched It's Complicated. Pretty good movie by the way. WE also decided to watch Star Wars the 3rd one.

On Sunday I slept in while Erik watched Hayden. He got up and went out to eat for breakfast at the Pancake House. Great Place! We got home close to 1pm, And Erik and I had to get ready to go to my parents house for my birthday, Erik's and my Dad's birthday celebration (all of our birthday's are in May) We talked, then had a fabulous dinner. We had Steak, corn, beans, potato salad. It was awesome. I was so stuffed. WE had Boston cream pie for desert. We then decided to watch a movie we ended up watching the first Harry Potter, because my parents have them on blue ray but had never seen them before. We got done with the movie close to midnight and went home.

On Monday. MY birthday!!! Erik let me sleep in again. I got up and we watched America: The Story of Us on History channel. I've never been interested in History. But, all of sudden I am now. He went out and got me a pizza at Old Chicago. Then we took a little nap. I got back up around 2pm. I watched my soap. And, relaxed. Erik went to get groceries for my special dinner. And he got Amelia and Sherlock Holmes for us to watch. And he got me a really nice card. And of course Hayden was teething again. He was so exhausted he went to bed at 8:30.