When it rains it pours!

Most of us are all excited for gifts and all the treasures that Christmas brings. For me this year it was Ba...hum- bug. The only thing I can say is that at least I wasn't coughing horribly until the end of the holiday weekend. But, the cold couldn't be fought hard enough because this week I've had the cold turn into a terrible cough into laryngitis once again. My voice is so strained that I'm doing everything I can do to fight it and get better. I've taken vitamins, drank tea, got plenty of rest and eat right. And just when I was feeling good, because I was exercising again, I hadn't felt good. This has seriously been the worst year for getting sick. I've been sick more times then I can count. It doesn't help that my job is all about using my voice. It's amazing to me I take the precautions and I still ended up getting sick. The only change is that I would have a sinus or bacterial infection at this point, but because I'm doing every I can I'm able to fight back more.

Not to mention this week I discovered something with work. Not only do I have ill feelings about working for the company. But, I turned in my Tuition Reimbursement like I always do for the end of the semester. I of course had the disappointment bought up again because I had to withdrawal from one course. I was asked to send in all certain information and I did. Only to have the person come back and say that I would not be reimbursed and also that I got money back in error. That I received a grant, and would not be able to get reimbursed. So, now I wait to find out what's going on because they're saying I owe that money back. I have no idea how much, and what's going to happen. The person I've worked with her tone of her email sounded very cold and accusing to me. It's so messed up.

In other news, yesterday I had my interview for the Broker Services Agent position. I was coughing really hard and trying to be as upbeat, friendly and put together for my interview. I think it went really well, and I won't know till next week sometime. I decided to go for a different position in another department because things in PSC aren't going very well. It's a long drawn out story but any case. I feel compelled to stay with the company, and just try to do something else. But, to be honest there more time that passes I so desperately want to get out and start somewhere else. Not that it would be all different. But, there just has to be something better. But, right now I'm stuck and I'm doing what I can for my family.

Lately, I've been forgetful and very out of sorts. I'm not getting the proper care that I should be getting with resting, eating and general stress in my life. I recognize that. It comes down to this whole TR thing, I really wasn't looking that closely and because of my complete non observant self, it could look really bad for me. I still haven't heard from HR and I would call but, I can barely talk as it is.

And last thing, the bills keep coming in, the medical bills from Hayden's birth have come back. His NICU stay was billed to us, Erik thought he paid it and I guess it isn't plus we canceled Qwest and they sent us to collections on a 30 dollar bill. Erik said that he called them and canceled. I swear sometimes he doesn't remember things too.

So, I ask what will happen with our lives? Erik is trying to go to school, work full time and be a father. Meanwhile, I'm trying to go to school, work full time and be a Mom. Are we taking on too much? And how do we get out of it? It seems that Erik and I are screwed. WE rob Peter to pay Paul and get further in debt. I honestly don't know what to feel anymore.

How is it that I get grants from school and that's somehow screwing me big time. I'm at a lost for my next move. I'm so weak and out of it. I have all these constant pressures and I just want it to all go away.
Life is really difficult sometimes, and ever since I was a little girl I had wondered if It was just my life was really difficult, I know that isn't the case, but not only do things keep piling up but that I can't get a break. I try to be positive and upbeat but I almost want to have a whole change meaning a new place/state to live and a new job. I know that won't be happening and plus where would we go? but, between you and me all this added pressure is literally shutting down my body. I hold on to the good things. Like my son for instance, when I look at that little innocent face all I want to do is protect him from everything and take away any pain he may feel. And, now I can truly understand how it is to be a Mom. No matter what I try every single minute to be the best Mom I can be. Being sick, busy or even depressed.

I can only hope that my situations come to a close and everything is right with the world again. Here's to hoping that 2011 brings more hopes and good surprises. I could really use some.

I know I haven't made the best choices in my life, but I'm not a horrible person. I need to feel hope once again.

what the hell?

Ok so last week, a co-worker at my job decided to assume that I was pregnant again and ask is it a boy or girl this time. I said I wasn't pregnant and it really bothered me that I need to make a change and soon. Well over the weekend yesterday, I ran into a person I use to work with at Cub, and she said when are you due again? It was embrassing, I haven't even been by myself when people have assumed. First my old boss was right next me, then my husband Erik. I handled it well, and said actually I'm not pregnant but thanks. I guess I have a major belly on me, I don't get it I'm exactly the same size but people think i'm pregnant. I think my jacket is a little to snug, I haven't been able to drop any weight. I was going to go to the gym during my lunch but ended not going. I really need to start moving and get in shape. It's a real downer when people keep asking me, I must be a huge blimp to people. I have this big fast stomach that I can't shrink. I'm so depressed about it, I must make a change!

A sigh of relief

Our prayers have been answered. We were able to amend our bankruptcy payments. They not only didn't make it more, they decreased the payment. Thank goodness. Erik and I have 2 1/2 years left of this. We can do it. With the news that our payment was going down was such a huge sigh of relief. We are going to have a little money for Christmas after all. I'm feeling this is going to be a great year for us next year. We have so much to be thankful for.
The next great goal we have is get a house next year. I was thinking a townhouse would be great to start out with. I don't know what the future holds but hopefully we can get one, our place is just getting to small even re-arranging and getting rid of things still not enough room. And would you believe we don't have our Christmas tree up still. Hopefully I can get motivated to do it this week.
I'm excited this coming Saturday my Mom and I are going to Black Swan and get some lunch. While Erik watches Hayden. It will be my first outing without him in a long time.
Also I had a really bad cold last week. But, I think I'm fighting it, I'm starting to feel better today, even though my voice a little raspy.

Quick Update

I had a productive weekend, I finally removed the tall shelf in Hayden's room and transferred it to our bedroom. I went through all the books that were on the shelf, and the loose papers that my husband seems to collect. I swear the man never throws anything away or gives away ;o) I felt like I really accosplished something, and Hayden and I were on our own most of the weekend. Hayden was watching me go through things and just try to organize, I like to have a huge pile and I sort and pile and then distribute where it can go. Hayden decided to take all his books off the shelf and go through and dump all his pacifiers and diapers on the floor. His room looked like a tornando hit for about 1/2 the day. Then I went through his clothes again and re-organized the stuff that doesn't fit him and up to the stuff that needs to be worn a couple more times before he's grown out of it once again. I also went through and washed all the clothes that my Sister in Law gave me.
I had over 8 loads of laudry to wash and dry and put away. In between all of that I was going through the house and deep cleaned all the areas that hadn't been cleaned in a while. I still have plently of projects to work on. BUt, one thing at a time right. I have over 6 months of filing to do. I have make Hayden's room messy once again, because of his closet and all of our christmas stuff is packed away. I'm hoping to put our tree up this weekend. But, if my Mom brought the x-mas tree I could put it up tonight. I guess we will see. I have to get decorating the house. NOt that we really should, Hayden's in that stage where he's picking up things and banging them all around, so by the end of his 2nd birthday, I wonder if we will have any figurines left.
In other news I got an A on my Access Exam. I can't believe it looks like I'm going to get a B for the class. I'm hoping to get my PowerPoint project done this Friday that's the only assingment I have left to turn it. But, I have to push myself with it, I'm so burnt out. I was hoping that I could get more accosplished this weekend but with Erik not being around and taking care my bouncy boy of my, i'm quite busy.

Also, I"m trying to build my credit, and said it was time to apply for a credit card, I got declined . Now all I'm thinking about is the concern is next year the year for us where we will finally get a house, or will we have to move?? all these questions come to mind.

Also yesterday I was wearing one of my shirts that tie in the back and one of co-workers thought I was pregnant. I thought to myself ok it's really time to get in shape. I just wonder exactly how I'm going to do it so many worries.