I had a little breakdown on Friday night. I was horrible to Erik, yelling at him, and in his opinion a little scary. I do recognize that I'm under extreme amount of stress, because of all my obligations. I know that I really should of considered taking time off from school to adjust to going back to work. But, Erik would have none of that. I know he's right it would just delay my degree even more. I've been sick off and on throughout the beginning of this year. I've worn myself out the last 2 months almost. I have so many demands of school, work, keeping the house going (you know laundry, dishes, vacuuming and just in general picking up)
I know that Erik is trying to help and as we go we communicate more and more and some things have become a second nature and how to work on them or around them. I want to discuss my birth control options with my doctor and make sure to see in her opinion if I could have postpartum depression. I know Erik and I discussed it over the weekend. And he' thinks I do. I also think though part of the problem is the depo. It could be making my hormones worse. I know that I was very scared over the weekend. But, I realize that I have to go back to taken care myself too. Erik can help me out by watching Hayden while I take a shower, or workout or maybe just have sometime to myself. But, I just have to speak up. I think that's also part of my problem I don't activate what I need or want enough.
I believe I can figure things out. That's why I made my plans with my best friend Cynthia for us to have a girls night. And Erik will stay home with Erik. I need a night with my friends even if I have homework. I have to do stuff for myself sometimes. I'm going to see how that goes, make little changes everyday. And make a conscious effort to be nicer to Erik, even if I'm upset as hell with him. Because I can't treat him badly that gets me no where!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Update on my depo shot!
Yesterday, I had my shot, and lab assistant said that I should make an appointment with my doctor, to go over my birth control options. It's good that I'm giving the Depo one more try. But, that sometimes it's just not right for some women. She asked what my big concerns for side effects. I told her that I was very moody the last time, and I had hot flashs. Along with the fact that I work out and I"m staying the exact weight. I've heard that it can take even longer to get pregnant, before the drug where's off in your body and that you have bone loss.
All my concerns are valid but I have just see how these next 3 months go and I have an appointment with Dr Cho on May 6th to go over my birth control options. I might want to do an IUD instead.
I only went on depo before because it was compatiable with breastfeeding, now that I'm not doing that there's no need for me to pick this birth control option. Their's plently of other options.
All my concerns are valid but I have just see how these next 3 months go and I have an appointment with Dr Cho on May 6th to go over my birth control options. I might want to do an IUD instead.
I only went on depo before because it was compatiable with breastfeeding, now that I'm not doing that there's no need for me to pick this birth control option. Their's plently of other options.
Getting Help!
As most of you know already I have a learning disabitlity. I mix up meanings, get test anxiety, I can read a book for school and for hours and hours and not have any memory of what I read. It's the most frustrasting thing. For 5 years now I've completed denied that I had any problem, and taken courses struggled and over come most. Unforunatly, I have not overcome some of them like Accounting, Pre-Algebra and Psychology.
A couple of weeks ago I took a Psychology test and almost failed. I decided since this is my 2nd time taking the course I should take some action and get help.
They call it a fancy word at the college, getting some accomondiations. I had an appointment this past Wednesday, after spending weeks trying to get my IEP results from the high school, it was nearly 10 years ago now. But, I did eventually get the results. Had the appointment set up with the director for the Learning disabities office.
I was worried because at first she called me that morning, saying she wasn't feeling well and see if we could reschedule for the next day. I told her very nicly that it was hard for me to get the time off from work and I really need to get it taken care of. And, so when I arrived I did thank her for not canceling on me. At first when she was going through my files. She said that I didn't have my scores and need to get those.( which I had them the whole time) But, once things went on their way, we went into the accomdiations I could benefit from. I advised that I needed a quiet place to take my test away from distractions. And, I also needed to have more time on my test. So I have an extra hour for tests.
I told her that I really didn't want my disabitly and wondered if their was a way to get rid of it. She said that there's no way to not have it anymore it carries you through your life. Its' something with my brain. NO mater how much I study or try, I'm not going to comprend everything. I can have tools to help me and I can be sucessful with some help, but what I realize after my discussion with her. I have a very long road. I have not only a hurdle of getting through Psychology this semester. But, I also have two accounting classes and I have the huge hurdle to overcome Math. I either need to place in college Alebgra by taking a test again. Or I need to take 4 classes total for math to graduate with my degree.
I'm getting a little nervous because here I thought I only had 9 classes to go. But, the stuff I must overcome is another. I've never felt more alone then I do now. I have to work even harder then I am for my degree. Which I can tell you isn't easy working full time and being married and having a baby. I know that I have to take one step at a time. It's just that I wonder if I will ever get to that final goal. And when I do I will be almost 30 and still have to continue college, where I will begin my bachelors.
This is what I do, I look at the whole picture, and I don't focus on the now. I have a ways to go before I have to worry about my bachelors I suppose.
A couple of weeks ago I took a Psychology test and almost failed. I decided since this is my 2nd time taking the course I should take some action and get help.
They call it a fancy word at the college, getting some accomondiations. I had an appointment this past Wednesday, after spending weeks trying to get my IEP results from the high school, it was nearly 10 years ago now. But, I did eventually get the results. Had the appointment set up with the director for the Learning disabities office.
I was worried because at first she called me that morning, saying she wasn't feeling well and see if we could reschedule for the next day. I told her very nicly that it was hard for me to get the time off from work and I really need to get it taken care of. And, so when I arrived I did thank her for not canceling on me. At first when she was going through my files. She said that I didn't have my scores and need to get those.( which I had them the whole time) But, once things went on their way, we went into the accomdiations I could benefit from. I advised that I needed a quiet place to take my test away from distractions. And, I also needed to have more time on my test. So I have an extra hour for tests.
I told her that I really didn't want my disabitly and wondered if their was a way to get rid of it. She said that there's no way to not have it anymore it carries you through your life. Its' something with my brain. NO mater how much I study or try, I'm not going to comprend everything. I can have tools to help me and I can be sucessful with some help, but what I realize after my discussion with her. I have a very long road. I have not only a hurdle of getting through Psychology this semester. But, I also have two accounting classes and I have the huge hurdle to overcome Math. I either need to place in college Alebgra by taking a test again. Or I need to take 4 classes total for math to graduate with my degree.
I'm getting a little nervous because here I thought I only had 9 classes to go. But, the stuff I must overcome is another. I've never felt more alone then I do now. I have to work even harder then I am for my degree. Which I can tell you isn't easy working full time and being married and having a baby. I know that I have to take one step at a time. It's just that I wonder if I will ever get to that final goal. And when I do I will be almost 30 and still have to continue college, where I will begin my bachelors.
This is what I do, I look at the whole picture, and I don't focus on the now. I have a ways to go before I have to worry about my bachelors I suppose.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
My Teacher from HELL
What a Friday I had. I had to come into to Normandale and take a test on Mircosoft Word 2007 for my class Computer Appls. I couldn't find the room, so I ended up being there about a minute to spare. The first thing is that I was yelled out to sit down, not only was I to sit down but she wanted me up front. I got all settled and I was trying to log in to the computer, She's repeating how I would log in. Everybody else had gotten set up so mine still wasn't working. I eventually got in. She went over for an hour about how things would be for the day. And, stuff in my opioion that should of been given to us early. I have no idea how much my test is worth but, I was so mad at her because she was a total bitch. She wanted to talk to me about my postings that were due the 25th of January. I had already discussed by email the assingments prior that I didn't get done and it's because I was in the hospital with my son. She received documentation as requested. And she said thanks for the info and approved for me to submit at a later date. When, I was going over with her she was arguing with me that she needed the documentation. And it's after I told her that I had the email but that I didn't have the document in my email. It had seemed that she wasn't going to approve it. And, argued with me about it for 20 mins. Then, I came up to her desk because I didn't know what she wanted. And, she basically snapped her fingers at me and said to hurry up that I wasting her time. Then, she ignored me for a good 20 mins. And said I need to stick around and make corrections. I told her that I had to pick up my son, and I needed to leave in 5 mins. My class was till 5:50. I expected to be there till that time. I had no idea how much a whack job she was. But, she didn't even ask if someone would prefer not to listen to music. And put on this music with birds chipping and waves. It made me want to fall asleep, not to take a test, Well, I guess the music stopped and in the middle of talking to a student. She said hang on< where did my music go, I have to get my music back on or I will go insane. She went up to the front of the classroom and turned it back on. There so many things she did that I cant seem to list fast enough. All I know is I have to see her one more time on April 25th and I just can't wait to be done with her class. It's so frustrasting!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
My Impatient Self
I've always been a little on edge. But, I really dislike this trait about myself. I have a hard time waiting for anything it seems. Why do I bring this up you ask. Well, I'm all about self reflecting on myself and why I am the way that I am. It's taken over 10 years to figure out why I get so worked up about the house not being clean, and why the little errands to run can't wait another day.
I've found the perfect example. I've been holding on to this stitching project that I worked on for my last mytomemy procedure in 2007, I made this baby project hoping that one day I would be able to put Hayden or Ella on it with the weight and time. Well, it finally happenend I had my little one and I wanted to make it really nice, with the help of my mom. She's so sweet she got the frame, the matting, the trim, and whatever else was needed. WE worked on it this past weekend getting it all put together. I was so excited to have it finally completed. Since, it's been in the making for atleast 3 years. Erik and I bring it home on Saturday night from my parents house. And, well it's just sitting down on the floor in Hayden's room. I could very well put it up myself, but I wanted help. I got so mad at Erik when he said I will help you on the weekend. I'm all about lets get it done now. Why must a simple task wait till the weekend?
Which I've concluded the mystery. Not only am I impatient. But, it seems that everything has to be this huge hassle and then your told oh I'll get it mailed to you by this date. Or it should be in the system today? or I will get that done for you and it isn't done. Only to find that not only is nobody doing their job in your opioion. But, you come to the house being a distaster. Some people get comfort from food, I get comfort from cleaning the house. But, like many people I get exhausted (especially since I have a baby with a cold that won't sleep through the night right now)
I get on average 6 hours of sleep. And, if I want the house to look semi decent I have to decide what's more important the kitchen getting clean or a shower? Sometimes I can pick both but most nights. I just want a sense of control in this chaotic life that I seem to have. I know I've made my choices. I chose to go to school, work full time and raise my family. Plus try and be there for my husband through all his stuff. All the demands of life, drain me and I find myself getting headaches and stomaches.
I can't control most things so I clean or get so worked up on cleaning because I can contrl that. But, what I realize I can control it because I do it. But, I can't control Erik doing it. As much as I would like him to do it, he just won't on some things. I'm not sure how to handle it. Because, if I keep continuing to get worked up it could rub off onto Hayden. And I don't want him to be so high strung. I was laid back while I was pregnant, but that was short lived. I'm back to being my edgy self. I hope to now come up with methods to calm my nerves.
I've found the perfect example. I've been holding on to this stitching project that I worked on for my last mytomemy procedure in 2007, I made this baby project hoping that one day I would be able to put Hayden or Ella on it with the weight and time. Well, it finally happenend I had my little one and I wanted to make it really nice, with the help of my mom. She's so sweet she got the frame, the matting, the trim, and whatever else was needed. WE worked on it this past weekend getting it all put together. I was so excited to have it finally completed. Since, it's been in the making for atleast 3 years. Erik and I bring it home on Saturday night from my parents house. And, well it's just sitting down on the floor in Hayden's room. I could very well put it up myself, but I wanted help. I got so mad at Erik when he said I will help you on the weekend. I'm all about lets get it done now. Why must a simple task wait till the weekend?
Which I've concluded the mystery. Not only am I impatient. But, it seems that everything has to be this huge hassle and then your told oh I'll get it mailed to you by this date. Or it should be in the system today? or I will get that done for you and it isn't done. Only to find that not only is nobody doing their job in your opioion. But, you come to the house being a distaster. Some people get comfort from food, I get comfort from cleaning the house. But, like many people I get exhausted (especially since I have a baby with a cold that won't sleep through the night right now)
I get on average 6 hours of sleep. And, if I want the house to look semi decent I have to decide what's more important the kitchen getting clean or a shower? Sometimes I can pick both but most nights. I just want a sense of control in this chaotic life that I seem to have. I know I've made my choices. I chose to go to school, work full time and raise my family. Plus try and be there for my husband through all his stuff. All the demands of life, drain me and I find myself getting headaches and stomaches.
I can't control most things so I clean or get so worked up on cleaning because I can contrl that. But, what I realize I can control it because I do it. But, I can't control Erik doing it. As much as I would like him to do it, he just won't on some things. I'm not sure how to handle it. Because, if I keep continuing to get worked up it could rub off onto Hayden. And I don't want him to be so high strung. I was laid back while I was pregnant, but that was short lived. I'm back to being my edgy self. I hope to now come up with methods to calm my nerves.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
My poor son Hayden!
My son was coughing over the weekend he started wheeze again which worried both Erik and I since he just got over RSV. Erik took him to the doctor today and he gets colds, that's not a problem, what is that Hayden gets asthma. I feel horrible, because I have it and more then likely I passed it on to my son.
We will have to monitor his breathing when he doesn't have a cold we have to watch if he still has wheezing. That's a cause for concern, if that's the case he will need to see a speacilist. In the mean time he's back on his steriods and he's going to have 2 nebulizer treatments a day.
I hope to god that it improves, but because I have it and I can really understand the disease. And, I guess I have to realize that we all have problems that we carry down to our kids. Hayden has alot of history of things to be aware of when he's older.
Erik has dietbetes, high blood pressure, had tesicular cancer and now has acid relex. I have a history of fibroids in the uterus, (which won't effect Hayden) asthma and ezemea.
well hopefully, Hayden will grow out of it!
We will have to monitor his breathing when he doesn't have a cold we have to watch if he still has wheezing. That's a cause for concern, if that's the case he will need to see a speacilist. In the mean time he's back on his steriods and he's going to have 2 nebulizer treatments a day.
I hope to god that it improves, but because I have it and I can really understand the disease. And, I guess I have to realize that we all have problems that we carry down to our kids. Hayden has alot of history of things to be aware of when he's older.
Erik has dietbetes, high blood pressure, had tesicular cancer and now has acid relex. I have a history of fibroids in the uterus, (which won't effect Hayden) asthma and ezemea.
well hopefully, Hayden will grow out of it!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Feeling the weight
and my back, thighs. I feel completly blessed to have a healthy baby boy. I just wish I didn't have 30 extra pounds to lose before I'm out of the obese danger zone. I know being 220 is the heaviest I've ever been. When I was about 21-22 I was almost 209 pounds but shortly after that made some changes and dropped down to 175 before my wedding. But, now I have to lose atleast 30 to be at my pre-pregnancy weight. My goodness, then because I was overweight before I got pregnant I have to lose another 30 pounds. I was working out really good before, now I feel like I'm starting over again. why does my weight have to go up and down all the time?
When I was doing my Wii fit last night, I realized that I'm really out of shape. Plus, before I was sick I was feeling really good, I was in the zone. I could do the yoga posses and my balance seemed to impove. But, because I took a hitatus of more than 3 weeks. My body is much weaker and I still need to reach my first goal of being at 200 pounds.
I've never been this big in all of my life. It's a different feeling. It's quite depressing. I know that I can get there, it's just difficult to go into the closet and go well, I can't wear that today, or that. I'm to big for most my outfits but I refuse to purchase 1X and huge pants. Not only do I not want to spend the money on clothes I plan on never whereing again. But, they charge extra at the department stores. They punish people that are bigger.
I know that I'm slightly in danger of getting dietbetes because of my weight. I just don't want to have that happen. I'm sure I'm jumping to conclusions and being overly worried about it but, I can only hope I get in shape by my son's 1st birthday!
When I was doing my Wii fit last night, I realized that I'm really out of shape. Plus, before I was sick I was feeling really good, I was in the zone. I could do the yoga posses and my balance seemed to impove. But, because I took a hitatus of more than 3 weeks. My body is much weaker and I still need to reach my first goal of being at 200 pounds.
I've never been this big in all of my life. It's a different feeling. It's quite depressing. I know that I can get there, it's just difficult to go into the closet and go well, I can't wear that today, or that. I'm to big for most my outfits but I refuse to purchase 1X and huge pants. Not only do I not want to spend the money on clothes I plan on never whereing again. But, they charge extra at the department stores. They punish people that are bigger.
I know that I'm slightly in danger of getting dietbetes because of my weight. I just don't want to have that happen. I'm sure I'm jumping to conclusions and being overly worried about it but, I can only hope I get in shape by my son's 1st birthday!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Stressful Situation
I've been at Medica for over 3 years now. I know it's a good company. I know the rules are strict. I have a great boss, and I love the people I work with. Things are always changing as we all know. But, for the most part I'm ok with the changes.
Last week they gave us the news they we're reconstructing the company. It was in the Star Tribune. But, their was layoffs of 150 people. Then on Friday last week my boss discussed about our mornings and how we really can't be getting up to go the bathroom, until our breaks. We had so called personal time when I first started over here to get a drink of water, bathroom break or whatever. But, lately it seems that has all changed since I've been back to work. Especially since I'm not pregnant anymore I don't have an excuse. They want everyone to know that were being watched and that we can't be getting our daily drink in the morning on work time. OR basically anytime. It's work time and I know why their doing it but I don't like it.
And, because of the adjustment of being a new mom, I've struggled with being on time to work. I have 5 regular tardies. If I have one more I will be put on a warning. And I have 3 make-up tardies available. Basically, last night after I had gotten home from work I discussed with Erik about what I needed from him. I can't lose my job over something so stupid like this. I've been here for a while. I'm still so lucky to have this job. So, all I can do is plan ahead as much as possible, have back-up plans. And, let me tell you I'm certainly learning more about time management. I don't like that I have to worry so much, they don't roll of until January 2011, so talk about stressful. I just have to be really careful.
Last week they gave us the news they we're reconstructing the company. It was in the Star Tribune. But, their was layoffs of 150 people. Then on Friday last week my boss discussed about our mornings and how we really can't be getting up to go the bathroom, until our breaks. We had so called personal time when I first started over here to get a drink of water, bathroom break or whatever. But, lately it seems that has all changed since I've been back to work. Especially since I'm not pregnant anymore I don't have an excuse. They want everyone to know that were being watched and that we can't be getting our daily drink in the morning on work time. OR basically anytime. It's work time and I know why their doing it but I don't like it.
And, because of the adjustment of being a new mom, I've struggled with being on time to work. I have 5 regular tardies. If I have one more I will be put on a warning. And I have 3 make-up tardies available. Basically, last night after I had gotten home from work I discussed with Erik about what I needed from him. I can't lose my job over something so stupid like this. I've been here for a while. I'm still so lucky to have this job. So, all I can do is plan ahead as much as possible, have back-up plans. And, let me tell you I'm certainly learning more about time management. I don't like that I have to worry so much, they don't roll of until January 2011, so talk about stressful. I just have to be really careful.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Picture Perfect!
This past weekend it was finally time for Hayden 3 month photos. The delay was a week because of us all being sick. But, were all recovering quite well. Erik and I both got our haircuts and I bought a special outfit for Hayden.
We got there early enough where we woke Hayden from his nap and I could almost hear what he was thinking. "why is this lady got this huge black thing in my face. It was really hot in the studio, i'm sure it was because of all the lights. The whole shoot took 20 mins. It took longer to go through our photos and order them. We ended up getting the package called "The Favorite" which is not cheap by the way. But, it's worth it. I really wanted to have family photos of us, so we can have them hung up at home and framed at work and around the house.
Now all I need to do is go out and buy some frames. We also got a membership for the next two years so we can get every milestone Hayden has. I can't believe he's already 3 months!! My son is growing so fast. I of course thinks he's so adorable in every picture. I had a hard time deciding on which ones to purchase. Erik and I must of stood infront of the computers for about an hour.
I'm sure the next time we'll have the hang of it but, it was such a great experience. I've been dreaming of the day when I come in and have family photos done. JCpenny's did a great job. And I was pleased with the work and service.
And, I know good photos when I see them, I use to be into photography. I took a couple class at Dakota County Tech. But, because of several reasons had to drop the degree. But, I realize it just wasn't meant to be. It's more of hobby for me not a career.
We got there early enough where we woke Hayden from his nap and I could almost hear what he was thinking. "why is this lady got this huge black thing in my face. It was really hot in the studio, i'm sure it was because of all the lights. The whole shoot took 20 mins. It took longer to go through our photos and order them. We ended up getting the package called "The Favorite" which is not cheap by the way. But, it's worth it. I really wanted to have family photos of us, so we can have them hung up at home and framed at work and around the house.
Now all I need to do is go out and buy some frames. We also got a membership for the next two years so we can get every milestone Hayden has. I can't believe he's already 3 months!! My son is growing so fast. I of course thinks he's so adorable in every picture. I had a hard time deciding on which ones to purchase. Erik and I must of stood infront of the computers for about an hour.
I'm sure the next time we'll have the hang of it but, it was such a great experience. I've been dreaming of the day when I come in and have family photos done. JCpenny's did a great job. And I was pleased with the work and service.
And, I know good photos when I see them, I use to be into photography. I took a couple class at Dakota County Tech. But, because of several reasons had to drop the degree. But, I realize it just wasn't meant to be. It's more of hobby for me not a career.
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