When it rains it pours!

Most of us are all excited for gifts and all the treasures that Christmas brings. For me this year it was Ba...hum- bug. The only thing I can say is that at least I wasn't coughing horribly until the end of the holiday weekend. But, the cold couldn't be fought hard enough because this week I've had the cold turn into a terrible cough into laryngitis once again. My voice is so strained that I'm doing everything I can do to fight it and get better. I've taken vitamins, drank tea, got plenty of rest and eat right. And just when I was feeling good, because I was exercising again, I hadn't felt good. This has seriously been the worst year for getting sick. I've been sick more times then I can count. It doesn't help that my job is all about using my voice. It's amazing to me I take the precautions and I still ended up getting sick. The only change is that I would have a sinus or bacterial infection at this point, but because I'm doing every I can I'm able to fight back more.

Not to mention this week I discovered something with work. Not only do I have ill feelings about working for the company. But, I turned in my Tuition Reimbursement like I always do for the end of the semester. I of course had the disappointment bought up again because I had to withdrawal from one course. I was asked to send in all certain information and I did. Only to have the person come back and say that I would not be reimbursed and also that I got money back in error. That I received a grant, and would not be able to get reimbursed. So, now I wait to find out what's going on because they're saying I owe that money back. I have no idea how much, and what's going to happen. The person I've worked with her tone of her email sounded very cold and accusing to me. It's so messed up.

In other news, yesterday I had my interview for the Broker Services Agent position. I was coughing really hard and trying to be as upbeat, friendly and put together for my interview. I think it went really well, and I won't know till next week sometime. I decided to go for a different position in another department because things in PSC aren't going very well. It's a long drawn out story but any case. I feel compelled to stay with the company, and just try to do something else. But, to be honest there more time that passes I so desperately want to get out and start somewhere else. Not that it would be all different. But, there just has to be something better. But, right now I'm stuck and I'm doing what I can for my family.

Lately, I've been forgetful and very out of sorts. I'm not getting the proper care that I should be getting with resting, eating and general stress in my life. I recognize that. It comes down to this whole TR thing, I really wasn't looking that closely and because of my complete non observant self, it could look really bad for me. I still haven't heard from HR and I would call but, I can barely talk as it is.

And last thing, the bills keep coming in, the medical bills from Hayden's birth have come back. His NICU stay was billed to us, Erik thought he paid it and I guess it isn't plus we canceled Qwest and they sent us to collections on a 30 dollar bill. Erik said that he called them and canceled. I swear sometimes he doesn't remember things too.

So, I ask what will happen with our lives? Erik is trying to go to school, work full time and be a father. Meanwhile, I'm trying to go to school, work full time and be a Mom. Are we taking on too much? And how do we get out of it? It seems that Erik and I are screwed. WE rob Peter to pay Paul and get further in debt. I honestly don't know what to feel anymore.

How is it that I get grants from school and that's somehow screwing me big time. I'm at a lost for my next move. I'm so weak and out of it. I have all these constant pressures and I just want it to all go away.
Life is really difficult sometimes, and ever since I was a little girl I had wondered if It was just my life was really difficult, I know that isn't the case, but not only do things keep piling up but that I can't get a break. I try to be positive and upbeat but I almost want to have a whole change meaning a new place/state to live and a new job. I know that won't be happening and plus where would we go? but, between you and me all this added pressure is literally shutting down my body. I hold on to the good things. Like my son for instance, when I look at that little innocent face all I want to do is protect him from everything and take away any pain he may feel. And, now I can truly understand how it is to be a Mom. No matter what I try every single minute to be the best Mom I can be. Being sick, busy or even depressed.

I can only hope that my situations come to a close and everything is right with the world again. Here's to hoping that 2011 brings more hopes and good surprises. I could really use some.

I know I haven't made the best choices in my life, but I'm not a horrible person. I need to feel hope once again.